other than design softwares, my technical side.. is equivalent to my knowledge in geographics. to sabotage or embarrass me, is as simple as showing me the malaysia map, because i couldn’t even identify Selangor, the place which i’ve been staying for almost 2 decade. i wonder how i’ve been able to pass all my highschool geography papers, i s’pose common knowledge helped me get through ‘em. hmm.. to encourage myself, i have always been saying.. “at least i know how malaysia looks like.” pathetic, i know.

microsoft has gone cuckoo-ed around me, been trying to run MS Word & Messenger for quite some time. certain websites seemed to be dying under my hands too.. bye bye dictionary.com, worse of all.. i couldn’t get connected to my mail server. thank God, Google is still surviving faithfully.

how how? i badly need all these to retrive my portfolio… i feel like, my 4-years-old PC gonna crash soon. maybe tomorrow after dinner with mum, i should spend my night, try my best to backup all the important datas. at the same time, start fasting ’til i get my medical checkup done.

not too long ago, i’ve discovered that i’ll be in cold & shiver when i get nervous. it’s alright if it’s just for a while, like how i used to be when i wait for my turn to present my artwork in college. i know i will shiver for a while, but when it’s my turn to be on stage & start doing all the talking & demo, i get all right. to recall the moments, i feel as if my heart & body doesn’t belong to me. whether it’s beating in an abnormal speed, i don’t know. whether anyone out there discover my discomfort, i don’t know. because, i look okay on the outside.

to add salt on the wound, the light headed scenarios doesn’t come to a halt. my head were so heavy, i put down the works on my hand & struggled my way to bed after dinner with dad & bro. i was basically dead on the bed.. until i arouse this morning, i slept for 10++ hours. for no apparent reason, health went downhill. not many know all these, afterall, i seem pretty okay on the outside.

prayer needed, thank you.

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dear Lord God,

you have accepted me, long before i sinned, you have put my name in your mighty plans. i dislike the self-focused me, i dislike the weak me, i dislike the coward me, i dislike the sick me. but God, again & again you want me to know that you are in control of all things. again & again you want me to know that you love me & am more than willing to take care of me, look after me, shower love upon me.

what have i done to deserve you? this is not to be questioned, you assured me. because there’s nothing i could ever do to make you love me more. you love me because you are my creator, you love me because you want to have a relationship with me, you love me because of you are a gracious God, you love me because you love me.

the weak me, makes me ponder more upon you, makes me need you more than any other time i could have needed. i’m a little lonely, a little lost, a little frightened. i talked a little softer, smiled a little lesser. but when you walk your way up to skull hill, carrying the huge cross, you made me know… even if i’m sick, i should continue showing concern. because when you were bruised & cursed & spat & disowned & hurt, you continued loving.

today, you have promised me sunshine. today, you have promised me you will take care of all things on behalf of me, as far as i put trust in you. what are the things i could lay my promise upon you? from me, you get dissapointments. from me, you get discouragements. from me, you get all the opposite things you have given me.

all i want for christmas is someone to tuck me in, Lord you listened, and tucked me in. you listened to my heart, you allow me to cry, you keepwatch upon me when i turn my back against you. Santa is imaginary, to make children fantasize, to make children smile. but Lord, i’m a child only for you.. because you are not imaginary, you were not to be fantasized, yet you made me smile.

i love you not because of all the promises or the protection or the blessed assurance or the gifts you showered. i love you because you are God. i love you Lord, i love you all alone.

faithfully in Jesus’ name, AMEN!