dad was away since Monday, he went on a fishing trip at Kenyir Damp, Terengganu. and soon after he left, i realized… how an important role he played in my sense of security.

he went away for about a week, and my brother is usually not at home during day time, so i thought… home alone!

nothing big.

because it has always been that way.

but it’s different this round. dad went into the woods for ikan; plus, it’s a getaway-from-concrete-jungle-stress-free-trip. imaginably he’d switch off his cell. he didn’t call home, neither did he called me. my brother also went Missing-In-Action for a few nights. i reckon he’s busy running some backstage crew work with his friends.

so, the men in the house is all gone.

nope, logically not all. my uncle came home for a school holiday. during his few days stay, all we talked about, is this upcoming charity food carnival in his workplace. he volunteered me to sell 5 books of coupons. now the coupons are helplessly laid on my CPU, i wonder what can i do with it… eat ‘em up?

one late evening when i drove home, i found a very unfamiliar car… parked right in front of my doorstep. in my heart i secretly wishes it’s my brother’s friends. as i walked in, the shoes on the floor are definitely strangers to me. and so i knew, they do not belong to my brother, or any of his friends.

i wasn’t friendly.

i did not talked, i did not smile a bit, i did not care. they were all in a room just beside mine. i can hear them talk, bout issues that i seriously have no idea & heck did i cared. i locked myself in my little comfort zone & tried to sleep over their talkative + not considerate hearts. even if they’re only having casual talk over some snacks & beer, i felt like storming away from home.

i couldn’t sleep for a few days. it has been like… rolling & rolling & rolling on my bed from 12 to 4am-ish, a little sleep, then waking up over the alarm by 6. it is not contributing to any good work. because when i am out from home, i easily find my self dozing in my folded arms. i can easily get into nightmare-land by landing my head on any firm platform. such as McDonald’s table top, or my rain stained bag. you wouldn’t understand how i have wished for a shoulder like my dad’s.

and seriously, i am annoyed by the carnival invitation.

so i rephrase…
the protector of my fragile security is all gone.

i can only find security through…

breaking away from home,
a phone call who wants to share & shows he cares,
occupying/distracting/outward-focusing on certain thoughts,
small group-ing,
spending time,
blogging,
planning,
working,
driving,
PRAYER.

because there’s just no one in the house who i can trust who’s heart is right.

my Lord, i expect You to listen, because i don’t wanna fall asleep during sermons.

–

alright, dad came home from his one week trip, i’m gonna catch some sleep right now.

goodnight world. i love you.