这天，我起得早，准备着教会欢庆母亲节的事务。在空荡荡的客厅里头忙碌的同时，我不时地想着不同的人…我的干妈妈、丽萍的妈咪、俊明的妈咪…那些视我为自己孩子的，别人的母亲，那些疼爱着我的人，那些我想念的人，那些我将会遇见的人…还有…我心目中的母亲，其实…是爸爸吧？我顿时惊觉…妈咪呢？怎么，我不想妈咪？

尝试把昨天封锁的心给掏出来，很想打电话，很想写封简讯，很想说声“母亲节快乐”，但却不知道意义何在。简简单单五个字，但…接下去，我该写啥？我该说什么？我可否像那些影片里的孩子们，感谢着母亲无微不至的关怀，感恩着她无比的牺牲、教导、支持、思念…

其实，我真的，打从心底，很羡慕…我也很想要拥有这么一段不可思议的感情。

这是我藏在心里的小秘密…应该是从中学时期开始吧？我一直梦想着，我要嫁个家庭美满的男生，为求补足家庭破碎的童年。至少，以后当孩子们问道，我们可以向公公婆婆巩固的感情看齐。但现在，我不憧憬这么样的童话故事啦，因为…我非常肯定，神会照料着这一切。而我，并不需要顾虑太多。

写着写着，原来，我们从未一起庆祝过母亲节。难怪这节日是如此地陌生，也如此地感伤。

想着想着，我觉得心很痛。

说实在，没能接到她的生日祝福，其实心里，很不是滋味。朝阳生日时，也是若无表示，算挺公平的吧？连续几年啦，妈咪忘了吗？我想，当她没接到我的母亲节祝福，其实她心里，也不好受吧？简讯，我还是乖乖地写了。她的生日，我还是会陪她过。母亲，我还是想念的。

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那以后，我会是个怎么样的母亲呢？

things come to a change among the days while we were in Jakarta, i signed up for the visit to the Pedongkelan village, one of the slump area where most of the villagers were benefited from the local HOPEworldwide programs. i wanna see more of the life of the underprivileged families. i would say, giving up the luxury of sleep and sensation of shopping, to attend to this trip was indeed, and really, fruitful.

we visited some families, and stop by at the hut where the learning programs were conducted. the place was beautifully decorated, walls are well painted, you can feel the touch of love and hard work from the amount of preparations being installed by the volunteers.

the kids weren’t shy at all, you can be totally at ease playing with them!

one of the volunteering brother tells us the fact, of how the children from the slump area, has got no ambitions as they grow up. the burdens of life gives them a heavy reality check that… ambitions are simply too luxurious to afford. for most of them, they have conformed to this vicious cycle… where the children repeats the life-cycle of the parents. if your father were a fisherman, you are meant to be one too; you grow up in environment as such, you feel the same burden your parents does, you will eventually grow up doing the same. ouch, i thought… there was no source of dreams and inspiration in their lives.

i purposely chose to be standing behind all the other volunteers, as i realized my emotions are overreacting. i cried listening to the spoken truth. i knew, i just knew that, i rediscovered my Arathi.

Arathi, the boy that has been in my mind for weeks… the character that i once doubted his appearance, but now… i can’t wait to bring him alive, out from just living in my imaginations.

almost immediately, i understand how my friends weren’t able to see through my story, my Arathi. even myself, i doubted him. most of us, fortunate kids… we grew up having the luxurious of time and space to grow, dream, and have fun with our little playmates, we would have certainly face difficulties in relating to how Arathi was forced to grow up in his young age.

however, the story from the brother doesn’t just stop there. after HOPEww came into the community and introduced the learning program, it brings a drastic impact to the children’s life. having to attend the fun lessons, the children now aspires to grow up and be like the big brothers and big sisters, whom brought hope into their lives! some of them, now aspires to be teachers, doctors, and even volunteers!

it was easy to organize the kids, even though we encounter language difficulties XD

this is what we were trying to organize :)

the most touching moment, was when i spent a short while speaking to Yani, the awesome sister who works for HOPEww Jakarta… she cried together with me, just listening to the short sharing. i knew, she gave her love and spirit for the serving works, and she gave me heart-to-heart moments. she even tried her best to stay with me when the activity ended. even it’s just for a short while, it was very memorable. that, brings an impact in my life too :)

here goes my favourite boy - Cibe, we play catch, and hide ‘n seek!

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i am just very glad… that i have secured and, found my Arathi :)

in Tamil, Palam: fruit. Arathi: apple, as in, you’re the apple of my eyes.

being away for university orientation for many days, i am back with flu and fever, and full of emotions. however, i decide to set aside many of my unaccomplished work, but to write this blog, and i am dedicating it to you whom i love.

throughout this half a year, i guess many of you known that i have been through quite an amount of ups and downs, nevertheless i am ever more blessed with plentiful of growth, and being showered with overflowing love and grace. i discovered the need for me to count my blessings, so i do not forget the goodness that’s been brought forth from God.

Proverbs 30:7-9
7 “Two things I ask of you, O LORD;
do not refuse me before I die:
8 Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
give me neither poverty nor riches,
but give me only my daily bread.
9 Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
and say, ‘Who is the LORD ?’
Or I may become poor and steal,
and so dishonor the name of my God.

God always give me the right amount of blessing. whenever i am ready, he keep them coming, so i would be more productive in handling my blessings. whenever i am down, he sprinkles them like fairy dusts, every here and there, so i could feel the magical feeling of being loved, even in the midst of me feeling lonely and discouraged.

about 1-2 months ago, i started writing my “bucket list”, and one of the 100 things i wanna do before i die, is to complete my studies in uni. in just a glimpse of time, here i am… officially started schooling in uni. i am offered a position to further study in the faculty of Film and Video, and i will complete my 3-years Diploma in ASWARA (National Arts, Culture and Heritage Academy).

the nerd in me.

many asked why didn’t i do a Degree, in 3 years time when i obtain my Diploma, i’ll be 25 years OLD! honestly speaking, i couldn’t think of a better answer to that question than… “hey, i believe just God knows the best timing”.

speaking of the opportunities to concentrate in studies, i missed out most of them. in year 2005 when i was studying in The One Academy, i was greatly distracted by the financial struggles that my family faced. i did not regret making the decision to be deferred from my studies, but the waiting for another opportunity makes me quite nervy. i took a time span of 3 years to obtain a scholarship and arranged credit transfer to another college, but as i happily prepared for college, the place closed down.

with the scholarship, i knew God made me hopeful, but right at that time… i am the one whose not ready to receive the blessing of getting back to school. i was greatly challenged… spiritually, mentally and emotionally. the month of January is entirely drowned with tears and sorrow, but making the decision to be surrendered and let go of an unhealthy relationship, tremendously relieved my burdened and wounded heart.

ever since, i have never been so grateful for the gift of being a single.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

with my support group, and many truthful buddies, friends, and listeners… i am able to pick up, and get back on the right track. with God’s amazing power, i knew i am able to be healed, but without me knowing that it could actually happen so swiftly :’)

in this half a year, i am able to focus on my mission, and in fact, this is the year where most my best friends and family have witnessed my life being a Christian. in this half a year, i learn that i have gained more than that i have lost. especially those unexpected friendship that have blossomed throughout the journey. i hope without naming, you know who you are, but you might not know that you’re always the ones that i gave thanks to God, at most of the time.

with a God who looks at me like a precious pearl, i am not ashamed of admitting my faults, or my shortcoming. with you whose Godly and teaching me all about righteousness, i am not ashamed of exposing my pasts to the light. to you whom have rebuked my foolishness, you are truly noble instruments of God. i apologize for the times i make your heart bleeds and aches.

to you whom i have betrayed your trust, thank you for continuing the walk with me. all the more holding firm to my arms, and definitely my heart and spirit. seriously, i do not know how to express my gratitude, other than making wise decisions, and always remember that i do not want to hurt you a second chance.

with you who never failed to give me assurances, i am able to be myself in front of you. i can put down my defense, smile widely, naturally, beautifully and even cry in front of you.

sometimes, i thank you for tolerating my nonsense.

with you who have silently prayed and fasted for me… and for you who have been the background people who cared and concerned. i knew there you are, right there, faithfully trusting in God, and sincerely pouring your love support for me.

for friends and people whose not too close to me, it hurts me every single time when a negative remark is given, without first making sure what you assumed is true and reasonable. it scars me every label you have tagged on me, and every insults you have hurled. it beats me, but little that you know, the discouragement that you have brought upon, is not enough to make me stop loving you.

to you whom i fail to list down your names, do not be discouraged, for you know that i have loved you for the way you are. for every effort that you have poured to complete my broken heart, i remember them.

thanks to everyone of you, i feel very loved; and God is always worthy of praise and remembered.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

before i go, i share with you a composition, whom i fell deeply in love with.

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my Ramli darling, goodbye.

HA-HA.

i actually just made the silliest yet bold decision to begin fasting… fast food & Ramli burger.

i have too much to name… favourite food, and lately i discovered i can’t part with… McValue Lunch, and i am an ever faithful Ramli burger lover. i… even reach out to my Ramli burger stall keepers!

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here’s the reason why.

there’s a period of time whom i felt a lack of motivation to work, i decide to pour it out to some of my dear friends. i basically felt kinda discouraged, emotional and lost… not too certain of what i wanted for the future. and in the midst of me feeling demotivated… i asked God to show me directions, and let me know what can i do.

God knows my heart, and he answers my prayer accordingly, and without notice, i’ve grabbed hands full of resources in discovering “what i want to do”. i resorted to many quality time spent with some dear ones, and listening through some powerful sermons and quiet time.

also, i was recommended to check out ASWARA when i sought some advice from a Prof in University Malaya. it is a National Arts Culture and Heritage Academy. honestly speaking, their web content doesn’t really draw my attention, and with my busy schedule and a big bunch of excuses, i tucked it aside…

it was on the 5th of this month, i gave driving directions to Corrinne and her friends there… Tammy-lookalike-May, whom wanted to check out the music faculty, and so i thought “why not?”, i simply grabbed my printed portfolio, resume, and the whole list of certifications.

we touched down the place, met some friendly facilitators and… i immediately fell in love with the academy! the study environment, and the multicultural atmosphere. although being surrounded by plenty of weird stares from the other students… i somehow feel out of place, but academically, i think it doesn’t matter what skin colour i have.

i was told that the academy closed their intake for year 2009, just last month, but the academic intake only commences on July, hence the opportunity of enrollment is still hopeful. i always believed “ask and it shall be given”, since i’m already there why not try asking… and i was given a chance to present my portfolio!

as for May, she was contemplating to try next year, but we were all encouraging her to not give up easily, at least try asking for a chance/exemption. eventually what she get is pretty miraculous… we hung around the academy, walking aimlessly and eventually were attracted by someone whose practicing flute (or clarinet??)… hence we slow down our footsteps. little did she know, she stood right in front of a door of opportunity.

we met this lady whom obviously works in ASWARA, and after a talk with her, she rang up the in-charge person of May’s supposed interview. after some arrangement, she was allowed to audition Violin and Guitar on the spot!

as for me… after the weekend, i revisited the place, and am hopeful i am not too late for submission. to my surprise, the facilitator came out with the enrollment form, and directed me to sit for an exam. my jaw dropped on the spot when i was told that the exam pieces are 100% in bahasa. i am supposed to complete 30 objective questionnaires, write 1 essay, and complete 10 storyboards.

with the 30 questions, i can only be confident to say that i answered 10 questions accurately. as for the rest… 50% of them, is that i have not studied the names, and the other 50% of them… i don’t quite understand the meaning of the words. i think i flung any questions that has to do with traditional art…

as for the essay and storyboard writing… i would say i am pretty confident with my writing… but i wrote them in English. funny how i answered a bahasa paper in English. i seriously crosses my finger, and hope they would accept the nonsense of me having to be educated for more than 10 years… my bahasa proficiency is still as poor.

when i completed my exam, i was told to attend an interview. but we waited for a while, and found out the interviewer wasn’t available for interviews, and so it was canceled. negative thoughts strike through my heart, and i can feel the discouragement sinking in. i thought i did badly for the exam, and with this canceled interview, i don’t think i stand a high chance in GETTING it.

however, another candidate was saying, “i think we stood a high chance, believe that you have already get it!” he was pretty optimistic, and being him as who he is… it encourages me in listening to that. yeah, i should be more confident and kick off the self-pity. i never knew what my powerful God will be able to do for me… my lord, show me the glory of yours!

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thank you, you, to have spend so much time reading my long winded post. but this opportunity seriously means a lot to me, i would appreciate if you could keep me accountable in fasting and prayer, or sometimes… keep me encouraged and have my head held high in trusting God that he always wants the best for me.

i feel the need to spoon out some more time in reading, and reflecting, and giving thanks, and planning…

and so… i will be away this weekend from my PC, and homeland.

“a reflective moment… shh.”

as i am away this weekend, here i share with you a cool blog – Milk Toof, ickle loves reading, and Lardee adores heavily sweetened milk. and as for me, i’ll be back on Monday!

yupp, he tattooed a dolphin embracing an anchor on his left arm.

at first sight, i was speechless. yet as i looked at the pigmentation on his skin… and reflect on our conversation a few years ago, it seriously tickles me.

there was a day as i work in front of the PC, he came to me like a lil’ boy spotted lollipops… his eyes began to sparkle.

“surf on the internet, and find me pictures of a yacht (sailing boat)…”

and he continues…

“… or a dolphin.”

my eyes popped up when he said dolphin. i was thinking in my heart, “you mean THE DOLPHIN? the cutesy cutesy aquatic mammal that leaps in the zoo ocean park?”

yes, he seriously meant that. the “freedom” to be able to cruise in the vast ocean is something that he has been yearning for years. he simply liked anything to do with sailboats & dolphins. (coincidentally, he loves fishing too!)

i sort of sat him down to count the cost of getting such a tattoo. the #1 reason that holds him back all these years, was because inking a small scale dolphin in KL will easily cost him a bomb, and i thank God he is wise in spending the money.

with my strong curiosity, i actually asked him why he wanted to be tattooed so so much. he then told me stories about seafarers/pirates/sailors who would tattoo their skin, so just in case one day they died in the ocean… as their flesh mortifies, the family members are able to identify them through the tattoos.

however after many years of being discouraged by his daughter, his desire of having that tattoo hasn’t sunk. he did cute little things that really exposed his liking for these 2 elements.

for example, you’ll find pictures & models of sail boats in different corners of my house. he also drives a metalic green Proton Wira. one day, he came home with the car being “tattooed”. i didn’t know where in the world did he find such cute stickers, he got it stuck for quite some time until the sticker worn out. sigh, i really hope i took pictures of the car, so i can show you how cute was my dad’s car.

and so… here ends the tale of my dad’s fetish toward this cute mammal in the sea. he finally got his dream fulfilled, and almost had me diagnosed with heart attack.

我也曾经梦想出版画册，因为我想透过绘画表达我对人、事、物的种种看法。

然而，我不是啥牛津大学博士、硕士毕业生，或哈佛学院培养的高材生，也不是报章杂志中令人望尘莫及的 21 岁天才型作家。我不是什么哲学家，不懂得写理论，而没牛顿那般写意地在苹果树下发现地心引力的奥秘。我没丹·布朗般的思路，虚构一篇又一篇综合艺术、科技、宗教，那般惊悚悬疑的小说，也没安徒生童话独特的艺术风格。

我想…这些作者、画家的创作过程中，他们总会遇上瓶颈吧。而我呢？在还未遇到创作瓶颈之前，就已面临最严重的关卡了——创意阻塞，最大的问题就是不知道该从何执笔。看，连个创意的名字也想不了，我完蛋了。

一本书，或一首歌…如果想要畅销，那个故事最好是关于爱情。感情故事令人印象深刻，也是所有人的憧憬。说实在，我不确定这个故事什么时候开始，也不确定我曾经拥有的、以及现在手持着的，算得上爱情吗？每当我回顾，它们有些看起来幼稚、儿戏。有些刺激、浪漫。也有些痛彻心扉。

渐渐地，我也撤销了写书或出版画册的梦想。对于我想写的，我没信心能够掳获每个读者的心。而且，有些故事也不必说给每个人听。写些迎合观众口味的稿本，只让我更想放弃写作。写些顾虑他人的文字，只约束着内心最狂野、最真实的我。

时而，写字甚至同等于犯罪；当读者的眼睛看得太浅，我随时会误导他们。我不是书局架子上强力介绍的畅销作者…我的一本书、一篇文章、一首词、一封信、一句话，只写给它独特的观众。那持有者必定与我有着非比寻常的关系，因为我认为有些情绪，是该说给懂的人听。一本书，纵使只有一个读者。他/她，要是明了，就足够了。他，要是理解不了，那本书不属于他，也不会勉强赠送给他。

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今天虽然睡了大半天，可是我好累。可能近来比较忙，睡眠不足吧？连续两星期，三不五时都被逮到慌神。泪珠时不时会大颗大颗滑落…已经分不清是疲惫的后患，或是解压的捷径。有些时候，我知道它们是禁不住疼痛，也有些时候，它们是禁不住感动。

今天和不同的人聊了聊。

第一个人是在早上，我被他阻止着，说好不能哭。我用门牙抿着嘴唇、然后无数次扬起嘴角，我尽力了；而你不知是因情绪波动而感到痛、或是因为睡眠不足导致病得不轻…你我还是哭了，可是你我都解开超载的心了。

嘿…我知道被误解并不好受。你，撑着点。

老套的一句…
你好勇敢，谢谢你。

最后一个人是在晚上，他是一本书的持有者。奇妙的是，分割两岸的我们，分享着一段很诚实、很重要的友谊。隔着不能碰面的日子，我们的感情还是那么地深厚。那不是因为我们相识多年，而是因为我们携手经历的风雨…使得我们能够对彼此坦然。

嘿…我说干了口水，i’m not mad at you，可总是解不了你的心结。然而我了解，因为那是你必须面对的。你呀，要赶进度咯！

老套的一句…
你要乖。

i have a piece of good news to share, many have anticipated for this. and i am so, really, very, super thankful for those who have been praying restlessly for this to come.

it’s like a be-early birthday gift, which is too good to be true.

it began with some difficulties, i pulled out.
it became a dream, too far to be reached.
it turned into a conflict, everybody became opinionated.

put all of ‘em into prayers, having a clear conscious… started planning, plus believing, “ask and you shall be given”. so, i began asking.

and now, it is given.

everybody.

i.

am.

going.

to.

school.

again!

prayers were answer & it came at the right time. i am given this opportunity to continue my academic dream. yes, i will be a student once again. congratulate me, thanks be to God.

the new intake commences on the 23rd of June.

my new college name is Cenfad (Center For Advanced Design).

yayy.

goodnight world, i am logging off. my computer died, my internet died, my heart sank, but i am all right.

一定是暖暖的。

好可爱的 old english sheep dog。毛茸茸的，在马来西亚可能会焗死吧…

看看它泄气的样子，呵呵～

搬出来住时，慧敏一定要养狗狗。

据说，“日有所思，夜有所梦”，今晚让我梦见我未来的 hotdog 吧～

hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog hotdog…

well even if it’s the other way round, more or less it sums up the same. for goodness sake, face it… because when you get quality, you greed for quantity.

i had a crush a few years ago. all i needed, is time to see him & make sure he’s alright. whenever he rings up, i make sure i’d turn up for him. as silly as the most of the teenage high-schooler, i’d think… “yes, he’s the one!” at some point of your life, you’d think about Mr. Right, and i just hoped he’s the one.

by then, it’s because of my parents’ divorce, i grasp the idea of “happily-ever-after only appear in fairy tales.”

and so, i chickened out. when he held my hand, i felt insecure & he sensed so. deep in my heart, i knew he felt rejected; i did no further explanations. and in the end, he let go. some time later, we became good friends & always have never ending talks. alto he hurt me at times with his blunt words, but i knew my heart is sufficient to love him enough as a friend should be; because God taught me so.

but now, it’s because of my heavenly father’s sacrifice, i grasp the idea of “happily-ever-after ain’t exactly impossible.”

the fact is… you & i can’t see God. yet i could feel so secured, it’s definitely my privilege. the way to maintain such security, is to keep walking my journey of faith.

1 John 4:7-21

7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.
10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

13 We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit.
14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world.
15 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God.
16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
17 In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.
18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

19 We love because he first loved us.
20 If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.
21 And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

*********

an update about my family & i.

my cute brother | my handsome dad
my camera-shy mom | i’m always on the right

last weekend was filled with emotional whirlpools.

my dad came home with the offer letter for National Service. apparently he volunteered my brother. and since last year, i knew my brother was reluctant to go. the both of them sat down but only my dad did the talking. all my brother said was, “i don’t want to go.”

i wasn’t included in the talk, but i sat nearby. as the atmosphere becomes so much intense, my tears rolled down. i knew exactly how disappointed my dad could be, i knew exactly how my brother could feel, i knew exactly what contributed to such intensity.

the hardest to accept was the time when dad said to Yang, if he insist not going, he will have to make a police report. the content should be Yang reporting the miscommunication between the Father and Son, and report that it wasn’t his personal will to attend the boot camp. after the-no-conclusion talk, dad came to me & asked with the most loving way, “hey, what’s wrong?” i shook my head so hardly, i said “nope.”

then i had dinner with dad… he expressed so much about how he wish Yang would go for the 3-months boot camp. after dinner, he resumed working. i thought i’d get some time to talk to my bro, as we’re left alone at home. i really wished he would too, express how he felt. but there’s no respond from him. and i was too coward to even give him some words of assurance. i called a few dear friends of mine, and sought for ’solutions’; actually all i needed was a lot of support, so i could accumulate guts to confront the 2 man.

before i sleep, i asked Yang, “so what time should we be heading to the police station?” we paused for a while & agreed, 4pm. my heart was heavy & so i sent SMS for prayer request.

early in the morning, before my dad & bro arises from bed… i read some text messages between my bro & his friends. among his friends, i knew a few of them; so they’ve shown concern as well, then we talked. from their online conversations, i sensed a lot of bitterness laid deep in my bro’s heart. all the more i read the sentences he typed, all the more my tears dropped. i felt so hurt when i discovered his insecurities toward the family. shouldn’t we be the dearest people for one another? there’s so much communication needed to be done among the family, there’s so much misunderstandings to be resolved.

i felt weary but i knew i could not have given up. and so i took the time to dial another few calls, hoping i could seek as much advices from different individuals that have been involving in me & my bro’s life. among all the people, i couldn’t get through my mom’s cellphone, so i sent texts to her…

“Morning. Mommy could you call? i have some important issues to talk about. Love you.” i took a deep breath before sending the sms; i was afraid this would freak her out… she has never talked deep or deal serious problem with us, in my entire life. i didn’t know if she could take this, but anyway, i sent the sms. i knew, if she couldn’t take it, i’d be there to comfort her.

then, i went for breakfast with dad. mom called as i have my hot Milo & nasi lemak kurang pedas. i told her what happened & requested her to have a talk with Yang. to my surprise… she humbly asked me how could she go about talking to my bro. then she patiently listened to me and replied, “alright, i’ll call him.”

i came home from breakfast and found my brother still sleeping. i went online & started my confessions, “yes, i was really worried.” as i was working on the computer, my dad came near the phone & he dialed the numbers on my brother’s offer letter. before he make the call, he considerably closes the door to my brother’s room, so he could not overhear the conversations. dad called the officer and humbly explained. as they talked, i was afraid this would end up as a court case. eventually, the officer said he could cancel the application if it’s not Yang’s decision to go.

i had a shock of my life when later in the afternoon, my mom brought me out for lunch. it was the place when i had good grades, she once brought me there. a place to reminisce. she ordered my favourite dish, and my heartbeat pumps fast. i didn’t know where to start. until she ask questions that implied her helplessness, i opened up. i told her everything from top to toe, and she gradually understands my brother. at the same time, i do what a daughter does best… i talked. i asked her how’s everyone at her side & updated her about my life & assured her i am well taken care of.

and i saw tears in her eyes. i didn’t rubbed them off, i seriously hope they would fall. for me, for Yang… specially for my mommy’s children.

before she sends me home, she said all these…
“i will bring Yang out for a talk.”
“if anything happened, you can call me.”
“i knew you have a busy schedule, but when you’re free, we can always come out for lunch.”
she repeated these sentences, to the point they were all engraved in my mind.

i bet it took a lot of courage for her to say these words, and i really love them.
i really, really, really felt so, so, so encouraged.
God brought her back to me.
before i got out from the car, we took the above 2 photos.
i said “hug hug”, and we hugged.

as i await Yang to be home by 4pm, i fell asleep. he woke me up around 4.30pm, and so i drove him out. nobody told him bout the call in the morning, so he struggled throughout the ride. he was cool & didn’t talk. i’m not sure if he’s frightened, or is he bitter? to the point he didn’t want to talk to me…

i passed by the police station & halted my car opposite a shopping mart. Yang asked, “you wanna get some groceries?” i said no, fix my parking ticket, we’re going in.

we sat down in Secret Recipe, placed our orders and i began asking, “so what do you plan to say if we’re going to the police?” he looked a little surprised but he did not answer my question. “so, you were waiting for sis to lodge the report for you?” again, no response, but this time, he looked at me. “if it only requires me to do all the talking, why should i bring you there?” he shun from looking into my eyes. “so, tell me, why were you reluctant?” without answering, he made me felt like i forced him to have a drink with me.

“i understand how you might felt about this sudden arrangement, and i knew you have your own set of worries and thoughts. but these are all my personal ideas, if you don’t open up to me, i’d never knew what’s running in your mind… we, the family will never know what you really wanted & needed.”

and finally, he started talking.

throughout our talk, i get to listen to his personal thoughts and ideas and struggles and bitterness and complaints and hurts. all the while i knew what’s happening & what he might be thinking, but i just needed him to PERSONALLY talk to me about it… so i could at least clear his misunderstandings towards certain issues.

after a long hour of sister-ask-brother-answer session, i try my best to give him assurance… as in “the family doesn’t despise your character & plans & thoughts”, “i want to listen from you, that’s why we’re here”, “you’re important to us, therefore we were worried, and i knew some of us has crossed boundaries & you didn’t liked it”… et cetera et cetera.

“so we conclude this happy ending?”

“how do you feel about the talk we had?” i asked.
“it’s a little like counseling.” he replied.
“you think i’d do this to anyone?”
“yeah.”
“why would you think so? is it because your sister is such a busybody to just wanna know bout everything? or do you think i just want to sit here and settle the crap?”
“… …”
“do you think it’s because i cared and concerned about you?”
“yes, is concern.”

as we got home, he happily announced to his friends he needn’t to serve national service. his friend replied, “wow… your sis very powerful ar”

i almost spill blood after so much intense talk with my dad, mom & bro.

my dream, is to have a family portrait taken with the 3 of them, with the least feeling of awkward.