because of the load i was carrying, i became exhausted and unable to connect properly, i did silly things… like falling off the stairs, driving to the wrong directions, picking up the wrong things…

i don’t have time for rest, i don’t have time for facebook games, i don’t have time to journal, i don’t have time to wash my car, organize computer folders, tidy up the house, do the laundry, i don’t have time to spend with my parents, my best friends, my dog… oh wait, i don’t have a dog. you get the point, i am so tied up, i forgot what have i been so busy about.

every now and then, i get the mentioned things done. but saddest to say, i don’t have time to get my thoughts sorted out. every thoughts and emotions got tangled up. the most scary… is that, the negative ones linger, but the positive gets fragile. everyday i have to dig new reasons to comfort myself, life is okay.

the thing is, i think i am discouraged, beyond what i can imagine. i began to get very sensitive in certain manner, easily tired, wounded, irritated, feel neglected, and all… most probably since early May.

i can somehow figure out the accumulative reasons.

disappointments. death. failures. separations. rejections.

there was a day, i asked a friend far far away, can i manja a bit or not? i know the distance somehow disconnects us, but i know, some words of assurance and understanding, it helps. my friend agreed to it, but when i have the space, i have nothing better to say. this little attention, overwhelms me with love and concern. then i remember he said, don’t give up hey.

there are times i felt hurt when my dad nags me, i shut my ears and so to my heart… don’t tell me what is the right thing to do. not that i do not know, but i am very tired to move on. i just need to know i am supported, concerned and understood.

especially trusting me, that i have done my best, it helps.

–

press on dear, everything will come to an end. you’ll be just fine.

i am not through with this, and i didn’t have proper time and preparation to mourn over his death. to confess, the moment i touched down KL, i was feeling very lethargic, i don’t feel like attending lectures, and had fever and eye infection for continuous 2 days.

then i found myself attending this whirl-winding emotional party… i received SMSes from Lee Ping, stated that she’s leaving Malaysia by this Thursday for good. i merajuk for almost 3 days and didn’t reply until 3 hours ago… knowing each other for at least 8 years… we have never fought. but the moment i rang her up, it was out of desperation to see her, and i lost my temper. i said, “why are you leaving so soon?!”, which made her difficult, and the separation… even more difficult. i actually knew, i am not very good with separations, it gets me emotionally numb, but at the same time… insecure, as if loosing an important part of myself.

plus, i was getting rather melancholic and moody over recalling some old issues. almost wrote something filled with angst and self-pity, but really… it felt great holding back the negative emotions. and to top the gratitude, i changed my perspective with the coincidental opportunity of meditating on the scriptures and watching 2 awesome films… Hachiko & Laskar Pelangi.

to the end of the emotional ride… i had a short conversation with an old friend, and we misunderstood each other. i wasn’t clear what should i do when he gave harsh comments. but i remembered the feelings clearly… the very moment i felt hurt… i decide not to retaliate, and rather crawl back to parasite in my comfort of surrendering. i always have this pattern of surrendering, as i thought… things would be better if i could keep quiet, take over the blame that i am in the wrong, and take in all the wrong. i have this deception, by doing this… it should be able to shut people off, and keep myself protected from being hurt even worse.

this time, as i prepare to toughen up myself, and just surrender the battle… but surprisingly, i felt the pain, and i cried, very badly. i don’t know why i did that, i know i wasn’t hurt THAT MUCH by him. but after going through all the difficult moments in such a short time frame, i can’t respond timely… and now, i am feeling so much relieved after letting it out.

i came to realization… especially times like these, i have no idea what to do in handling the emotions, and very likely tend to numb all my emotions. i went on my everyday routine as if nothing have happened, and nothing have affected me. i just have to understand, i am not miss-know-it-all, and i do not have to be one. it’s okay, to not know how to respond to every situation.

enough is enough. all these negative issues are pulling me thin. it’s time to put these down, and get over it.

i feel like teleporting myself to the seaside, don’t care the wind blows my hair messy, stare into the sky and wonder why it is in such a faint but dear blend of colours, squat down by the sandy beach and watch the quaint crabs crawl, eat a single scoop of strawberry ice-cream…

i wanna have a Grande cuppa hot chocolate from Starbucks, with extra dosages of whipped cream…

i wanna hug a sheepdog, fall asleep with it as my pillow…

i wanna fall in love with a new book, a new person, or a new song, reminding myself that i am feeling what i’m feeling, is because i am human…

all in all, i wanna halt this pity party, and pick up myself after a good conversation, or a good cry, or a good conversation with good cry.

did i ever tell you, i really admire Yoshitomo Nara? i strongly dig the blend of pastel hues he used, and certainly the character/personality that he painted through his works of art.

is love at first sight, dated year 2005.

ridiculously impossible, yet hilarious scene…