i know the rules, but this time… like what you instructed, “know the rules before you break them.” and right now, this is the best time to practice what i have learn in class, and this time… rules are just meant to be broken.

i know, i know, i’m a bad girl. but be assured that i will immediately be back (on Monday in exact), after spending a lifetime’s chance of being lost in calculating money.

till then, take care, and have fun teaching :)

–

yeah, i somehow hope i can put this note on my lecturers’ doorstep :P

as i have written, i’ll be leaving for a trip! to somewhere where i’ll be enjoying my first moment of being a millionaire! let’s just cross our fingers and hope this time i would not drop my wallet somewhere else than my own bag. looking at the crazy exchange rates, i am beginning to feel confused with the digits… and am so grateful that the Malaysian Ringgit is so… “normal”.

to keep you entertained while i spend my first million notes, below, is the conversation i had… with a dear friend whose flying for the first time…

flight newbie: oh… what shall we do on the flight?

me: sleep. eat. talk. walk. poo. wee. kacau. poke. joke. read. etc.
just… no phone talking, and bungee jumping, and suicide bombing :P

flight newbie: poo? wee? =.=

me: yeah, go to toilet

flight newbie: no phone talking, bungee jumping and sucide bombing only?

me: yupp

flight newbie: can take over as pilot?

me: hahahaha

flight newbie: hehe…

me: in your dreams

flight newbie: don’t want to happen in dream only.

me: :P

flight newbie: you help take over as co pilot.

–

and not long after that, here’s a conversation with another dear friend who’s the total contrast of newbie…

oldie (for the sake of no better names): call my phone when you’re there or have something going on, k

me: i am not sure if i have roaming

oldie: activate it!!!!

me: oh yeah
i remember one important question
we can get the sim card from jakarta right?

oldie: yes

me: same with malaysia card?

oldie: yes just different provider

me: k, that will do
roaming for Maxis costs a bomb
i didn’t activate it

oldie: activate it!!!
at least it is active until you buy number in jakarta

me: i’ll check, i’ll check
i’m taking care of 3 kids
will make sure we don’t loose our way

oldie: no, listen
activate it

oldie: hahaha
and I am taking care the mommy

me: -_____-

oldie: again
activate it

me: worst come to worst
we wait until your flight comes
hahaha

oldie: yeah
hahaha
10.50 pm

me: …
i wanna get down the airport
and go lie on bed
don’t wanna wait till 11pm
not like i can facebook while waiting…

oldie: can…
borrow operator computer
hahahaaa

me: yeah yeah
use the flight checking monitor right
so cool

oldie: yep

me: just now newbie ask me…
what to do on the plane?
i was so stunned looking at that question
i think… he is scared

oldie: first time flying is like that one
tell him that
the floor below is transparant
so we can see cloud
below our seat

me: -_____- so i am the weird one? i feel nothing when i first flew

oldie: and, when there is turbulence
be prepare to hug the chair
and take parashute below the chair

me: don’t scare him lahhhhhh
he is afraid of height
my goodness
thank God he is not same flight with you

oldie: ……

me: or else i have to whack him until pengsan
and pull him up the flight
and then whack you until pengsan
so you won’t kacau him even if he wakes up

oldie: favoritism

me: of what?

oldie: whacking

me: -_____-
k then i personally whack you
i tell other people to whack him

oldie: heemmm
the easiest way to overcome fear is to make him more scared
have you heard
fight poison with poison?

me: i’m not gonna tell you more of my secrets anymore

oldie: …..

me: don’t wanna be more scared of the scary things
then its no longer scary, it become haunting

oldie: yeah yeah yeah…
good night oh

me: hahaha merajuk already

–

then, oldie really went offline -___-|||

anyway, aren’t their imagination impressive? one wants to fly a plane, the other one wants to crash a flight :P hope they don’t read this before we take off, or else i will be getting bad attitudes, big time.

我的21岁的生涯，戏剧性的程度，都到可以拍摄偶像剧的程度了。

怎么啦，春天是哭泣的季节吗？跨年哭，爸爸生日哭，写简讯哭，聊天哭，工作哭，祷告哭，行驶哭，好似把一生的眼泪都哭光了。

我对于一直包容的事情…觉得累了，选择放手了。需善后的事情多得很，心理上的压力、负担，其实都很沉重。可是人，却松了一口气。好像失去了什么，却又得到了什么。好奇怪。

决定退出领导团队，暂时停止长期的事奉。学院倒闭，奖学金告吹。好清闲，可是没时间胡思乱想。因为我要重新出发，专心一志地维护与神最重要的关系。

2月

情人节、生日。

成立了 storybook.bygabrielle 开始写新故事。

送了份礼物给自己–手写板。

3月

感冒，病了好长一段时间。告假到海边去，松弛心情，也顺便散散心。

换了台手机。

4月

新加坡第一趟旅行。见了很久没见的远亲，见了很久没见的朋友。

走很多路，也聊了很多，哭了，还被狗咬了。

回家了，CPU mainboard 被雷打坏了。不修了，还是干脆点，换了台 notebook。

讨厌、生气、愤怒的感受，一一从心里萌生。

5月

得到了一段意想不到的友谊。

过了难忘的一年，长大了，我…22岁了。

谅解、释怀。

不舍得把头发给剪短，后来给自己烫了头浪漫的卷发。

6月

新加坡第二趟旅行。

我又病了，因为…思念，是一种病。

禁食 ramly burger 一个月！切切地为了通过入学考而祷告……

7月

耶，祷告被应许了，我开学啦！

同窗们都好有才华，自己的能力显得软弱了些……特别挣扎以马来文为媒介语……

但，没关系，输在起跑点又如何？不要输在终点就好了 :)

8月

大学行程很难适应……时常在上课时打盹……生病次数逐渐频密。

看了部很感人的动画……《UP》实在棒！

我知道谁最能把我弄哭。我累了，对喜怒哀乐也不诚实。

我需要的，只是能令我安心的友谊。在最真实的朋友面前，我，是我自己。

谁能拉没自信的我一把？

9月

第一次与大学同学旅行！

开始参与 Nikki 的生命……一段令人感动的旅程。

10月

好朋友离开身边……好像失去了什么……

成立新小组，有很漂亮的新组员 :D

很高兴，很快就能打成一片。

11月

古晋之旅。

欣赏了部很棒的纪录片…… Michael Jackson – This Is It。感叹演艺圈失去了这么一位敬业的巨星。

12月

第一次大学考试，加上一年一度的 children camp，预习 + 筹备得很疲惫……但实在很兴奋！

第一次参与电影制作，当了回临时演员，啊……我真不是演戏的料啊……

为了电影，把发尾染黑、剪短刘海……瞬间年轻了 8年。2010年记得收看本地制作的马来版——小孩不笨！

列《十月围城》为 2009 最佳影片，叹为观止……画面美得令我感叹，哭得稀里哗啦。

Tesco started this “save the environment” thingy, and decided not to give us any plastic bags… so being a considerate consumer, i threw all my groceries in the cart and roll them over to my car… i wonder how am i gonna move these stuff into the house?

thank goodness when i reach the parking lot, i found a nice environmental friendly bag in my car… it fits my groceries, just perfectly! i think exhaustion is taking its toll on me, so i better get moving… however, looking at the empty cart, i thought to myself, “since i tried being a considerate consumer, why not be a helpful citizen in pushing my own cart back to its station?”

and there comes the horror…

i locked my car keys… IN THE CAR!!!!!!!!!

i stare blankly into my car and figured all sorts of ideas that i would most probably… not do. thoughts like… ingeniously use a thin metal piece to screw open the very fragile kancil door? NO. call for help from a locksmith? NO. smash the windows? NO. hopefully i dropped the keys on the safe ground? NO NO NO i did not.

was kinda reluctant to seek help from daddy, but anyway, i called… and by the way, he slept and phone was switched off, argh.

so i interrupted my brother’s fun time, and be a bad Jie-jie to instruct him the master plan of Saving-Your-Sister-Out-From-Trouble, and basically forced him and his 6 other friends to come. Yang came to the rescue at about 12:30a.m.

i found no interest to be waiting for him in the crowded mamak stall, so i went to sit at my favourite corner in The Curve… if you could guess where is it, i’ll make you sandwiches.

felt so discouraged, but surprisingly, i am okay.

拥有这种程度的冷静…我还真是了不起。但，闷闷不乐的感觉，真的很不好受。说实在，我宁可大哭一场。

–

Avatar 3D was good, and the computer graphics were impressive. however, i keep feeling as if i’m watching a sci-fi 3D animated Pocahontas… the movie was 2 hours and 40 minutes long, and wearing the 3D glasses became a painful experience for most of us. i basically surrendered to my drowsiness half way through and woke up few minutes later for the climax. i have pretty short attention span, the most i can concentrate is for an hour or so, and then my mind will begin wander, or i will doze off to dreamland.

do share with me if you have tricks to overcome this, i don’t want to annoy my lecturers with this habitual problem.

busted, even Json captured it… T___T

失去了一位很棒的朋友…
他，很聪敏，也很爱笑。我想，他…也应该很坚强。
我们的共同回忆，就是身穿那幼稚园的水手服…然后相隔六年的光阴，在令人怀念的大树下重逢，打着相同的领带，戴着浅黄色的名牌。

认识超越15年，原来，我们除了幼稚园团体照，都没有一张像样的合照。

–

CM，慧敏好怀念你的笑容。

我们在这儿，这些结过深绿色领带的朋友们，都好想你。

being away for university orientation for many days, i am back with flu and fever, and full of emotions. however, i decide to set aside many of my unaccomplished work, but to write this blog, and i am dedicating it to you whom i love.

throughout this half a year, i guess many of you known that i have been through quite an amount of ups and downs, nevertheless i am ever more blessed with plentiful of growth, and being showered with overflowing love and grace. i discovered the need for me to count my blessings, so i do not forget the goodness that’s been brought forth from God.

Proverbs 30:7-9
7 “Two things I ask of you, O LORD;
do not refuse me before I die:
8 Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
give me neither poverty nor riches,
but give me only my daily bread.
9 Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
and say, ‘Who is the LORD ?’
Or I may become poor and steal,
and so dishonor the name of my God.

God always give me the right amount of blessing. whenever i am ready, he keep them coming, so i would be more productive in handling my blessings. whenever i am down, he sprinkles them like fairy dusts, every here and there, so i could feel the magical feeling of being loved, even in the midst of me feeling lonely and discouraged.

about 1-2 months ago, i started writing my “bucket list”, and one of the 100 things i wanna do before i die, is to complete my studies in uni. in just a glimpse of time, here i am… officially started schooling in uni. i am offered a position to further study in the faculty of Film and Video, and i will complete my 3-years Diploma in ASWARA (National Arts, Culture and Heritage Academy).

the nerd in me.

many asked why didn’t i do a Degree, in 3 years time when i obtain my Diploma, i’ll be 25 years OLD! honestly speaking, i couldn’t think of a better answer to that question than… “hey, i believe just God knows the best timing”.

speaking of the opportunities to concentrate in studies, i missed out most of them. in year 2005 when i was studying in The One Academy, i was greatly distracted by the financial struggles that my family faced. i did not regret making the decision to be deferred from my studies, but the waiting for another opportunity makes me quite nervy. i took a time span of 3 years to obtain a scholarship and arranged credit transfer to another college, but as i happily prepared for college, the place closed down.

with the scholarship, i knew God made me hopeful, but right at that time… i am the one whose not ready to receive the blessing of getting back to school. i was greatly challenged… spiritually, mentally and emotionally. the month of January is entirely drowned with tears and sorrow, but making the decision to be surrendered and let go of an unhealthy relationship, tremendously relieved my burdened and wounded heart.

ever since, i have never been so grateful for the gift of being a single.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

with my support group, and many truthful buddies, friends, and listeners… i am able to pick up, and get back on the right track. with God’s amazing power, i knew i am able to be healed, but without me knowing that it could actually happen so swiftly :’)

in this half a year, i am able to focus on my mission, and in fact, this is the year where most my best friends and family have witnessed my life being a Christian. in this half a year, i learn that i have gained more than that i have lost. especially those unexpected friendship that have blossomed throughout the journey. i hope without naming, you know who you are, but you might not know that you’re always the ones that i gave thanks to God, at most of the time.

with a God who looks at me like a precious pearl, i am not ashamed of admitting my faults, or my shortcoming. with you whose Godly and teaching me all about righteousness, i am not ashamed of exposing my pasts to the light. to you whom have rebuked my foolishness, you are truly noble instruments of God. i apologize for the times i make your heart bleeds and aches.

to you whom i have betrayed your trust, thank you for continuing the walk with me. all the more holding firm to my arms, and definitely my heart and spirit. seriously, i do not know how to express my gratitude, other than making wise decisions, and always remember that i do not want to hurt you a second chance.

with you who never failed to give me assurances, i am able to be myself in front of you. i can put down my defense, smile widely, naturally, beautifully and even cry in front of you.

sometimes, i thank you for tolerating my nonsense.

with you who have silently prayed and fasted for me… and for you who have been the background people who cared and concerned. i knew there you are, right there, faithfully trusting in God, and sincerely pouring your love support for me.

for friends and people whose not too close to me, it hurts me every single time when a negative remark is given, without first making sure what you assumed is true and reasonable. it scars me every label you have tagged on me, and every insults you have hurled. it beats me, but little that you know, the discouragement that you have brought upon, is not enough to make me stop loving you.

to you whom i fail to list down your names, do not be discouraged, for you know that i have loved you for the way you are. for every effort that you have poured to complete my broken heart, i remember them.

thanks to everyone of you, i feel very loved; and God is always worthy of praise and remembered.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

before i go, i share with you a composition, whom i fell deeply in love with.

have you heard of the Black Box?

it is basically a voice/data recorder that’s installed on aircrafts (in the cockpit, where the piloting and cruising performs). it’s responsibility is to record the flight parameters, and all the communications. in the process of a flight, if any unfortunate event happens on the flight (for instance, plane crash…), the team inspects the cause of the crash through the recorded data. well, given the mysterious name… in point of fact, these are never coloured black, but are painted a bright colour to aid location after a crash.

while i was at my teenage years, and being inspired by the idea of the black box… i created my own “black box“, too. it serves the purpose of recording all important data throughout my lifetime. i wrote letters to many loved ones and kept pictures of people whose very dear to me, and i store them all in this black box of mine… so one day when i die, my dear ones would be able to access these little treasures of mine.

some letters are written with much gratitude, to express my heartfelt thank yous to those whom i never appreciated enough; some with love, to express and remind a person of my love for him/her; some with regret, letters of apologies, mainly for what i have wasted in my youth; some to encourage…

recently when i reviewed my box, i discovered that the box has almost became meaningless. as i mature, it no longer fits to its purposes. i no longer hide my thank yous and sorrys; when i am grateful, i have learnt to smile and say thank you; when i am sorry, or have wronged anybody, i have learnt that i need to humble my pride to apologize, resolve the matter before daybreak. as true as life begins anew when death occurs, i am already a new life the day i decide to die to my old self, and be reliant on my Creator – our Lord of heaven and earth :)

with so, i am surrendering my black box, and will not continually write or store, i will not regret giving it up. even with some unresolved matters… i believe the right thing to do, is to face up every challenges with much courage. by letting go of this box, i learn to say “i love you” more often, and not cowardly or selfishly leave it only to the day i leave my dear ones.

–

in replace of the black box, i have got a Happy Box instead!

the instruction says:

Fill this box with something that makes you Happy.
Take this box when you are sad, lonely, depressed and open it to see things that can cheer you up…
BE HAPPY & REJOICE ALWAYS :)

i filled it up with thoughtful gifts, cards and pictures… that lifts up a smile on my face in spite of all the heartaches that i’ll have to go through. i’m not quite a gift-giver, neither a receiver. but thoughtful and simple gifts like such, really makes my day. a month after receiving the happy box, i’ve got a happy notebook, too!

and it says:

Just to let you know you have always been in my prayer every single morning…
I hope you will use this book to write your UP and down in your life.
Do keep me updated with things in your life, so that i can update my prayer also :)
I love you lots Buddy.

it is such a bliss to be loved.

i am really thankful to you, you, you and you… and you, and you, and you! who have stayed with me when it rained; whom had been betrayed, yet extended your love and grace to me; whom never let me go, when i carried out foolish thoughts and actions; whom didn’t matter when i performed my worst, or being at the ugliest appearance.

if there’s a day that i have to leave you, you, you and you, i knew i would have a tough time adapting to the life without such warm smiles, big hearts, great attitude and fuzzy hugs.

in the midst of me being loved. i just wanna remind you that… you are loved; i love you!

well, Daddy’s day is not until the third Saturday of June, but because i’ll be away from home this weekend… i spent time earlier with daddy. our family isn’t those who celebrate special occasions, but to express my love & gratitude, i bought him a gift anyway.

earlier on, i rang him and asked him to get some tidbits for me to bite as i travel early in the morning. as i was packing, i got pretty shocked when he came home with a bag full of biscuits, snacks, and drinks that is… more than enough for the 4 of us, so thoughtful! aww…

my daddy is one whose love language is definitely Acts of Service, he loves us through the many many physical sacrifices that he have made in our lives, and for our future. with this bag full of sunshine, i am indeed… reminded of the many sacrifices that he had made for me, and for those he loved dearly.

anyway, daddy wants me to sleep early. here i attach a handsome photo of my daddy, may i introduce you, the man that always love me for who i am…

… my handsome daddy!

okay, i need to get back to work. actually, i just wanna tell you, happy be-early birthday :)

it was the last day for the singles’ retreat, i joined them for a day – two so i wasn’t as exhausted as they were there for all the activities. i was the 1st to arouse, and urged to go to the beach. was kinda freaked out by the quick waves, but as i walked alongside, i began to notice the beauty of the nature. it was dark, but it wasn’t that bad/scary.

i noticed my footsteps as i walked & prayed. have you read about this ‘parable of the footsteps by annonymous’ thing? it is kinda popularised as many people printed that on the bookmarks, notebooks, or even shared during sermons.

i don’t really fancy the overcommercialised concept, but i liked the simple story behind it. it illustrates a defeated/lonely/jaded/worried/discouraged/bitter person’s heartfelt feelings. eventually when the person looked back, he came to discovering… that the single set of footprint were actually God lifting & carrying & relieving his pain. little did he notice during his heart aches, God is always in the picture, being the one who heals the damage.

even when we think we’re strong, and being alright on our own, it became so easy for us to take God for granted.

caught the sunrise too, what a bliss.

i brought also my journal, for some time of reflection over the past 2 months. i read from the vulnerable words that were written, and giggled over my immaturity. however, it aches my heart as i recalled many unpleasant memories.

to certain struggles that contributes to defeat my will in trusting God, i let them go, and allow God to handle the aftercares. i trust God, and will not be bitter of any outcome that displeases me. afterall, surrenderness is dying to my old self and living with my renewed faith in God.